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Sugar Daddy

Updated: Nov 9

Quote from a cranky old queen:  Getting old is a bitter pill to swallow.  

A Quote from me:   Just a spoonful of sugar (boy) helps the medicine go down, the medicine go dooown, the medicine go down.  Just a spoonful of sugar (boy) helps the medicine go down...in the most delightful way!


I Want a Little “Sugar” in My Bowl

I’m an active person and can happily say that I still have a formidable chest, rock solid arms and washboard abs like what?! even after all these years.  At the same time, I am fully aware that I have become an even more unattractive sommamabitch because with the passage of time, the lines around my eyes and mouth have chiseled deep grooves in my face, leaving me with a drawn, gaunt visage.  Gravity is pulling down at the skin under my chin and my neck is taking on some turkey qualities.  My midsection is not as toned as it should be and no matter how much I work out and fast intermittently, that little extra baggage ain’t flying away.  When I walk into a room, I no longer turn heads and cannot pull ass like I could ten or twenty years ago.   The problem with this is that, just like every other man in the world, the clock kept on ticking and I kept flipping over the pages on my calendar, but my sexual preferences—meaning the kind of guys I like—stayed put and have not really changed since 1998.    

These are the stark realities of being all knee-deep in my fifties and I am fully aware that I want to keep laying pipe to 25-year-old tenderonis.  And in order to achieve this, I will need to reach for my wallet. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all old gay men will become sugar daddies.  Some may see this as one of the terrible realities of humankind, but is being a Sugar Daddy such a bad thing?  It depends on how pragmatically your old brain works.  Let me break it on down.



Consider your environment.  The job description of a Sugar Daddy in the U.S. is not the same as it is in developing countries like Colombia or Vietnam.  In the U.S. with its robust economy, strong currency and teeny tiny levels of unemployment, even a dirt-poor Sugar Boy got himself a roof over his head and an iPhone.  If a young American is a Sugar Boy, he’s chosen this line of income generation because he thinks he’s too cute to go down the street and slide an application across the counter at the local Dairy Queen.  In Colombia, Sugar Boy is real employment, an actual jobby-job that requires 30 to 40 hours a week of labor.   A lot of these young guys aren’t looking to upgrade to the iPhone 16; they have people at home who depend on their income.  The $25 he earned letting Daddy go down on him can make a huge difference between him and his family having a meal with or without meat that week.  The stakes are higher for a Sugar Daddy in a developing country because he is often contributing to the sustainability of entire families, while a U.S.- or Europe-based one is probably just getting his Sugar Boy a step closer to a PlayStation 5. 

Face cold, hard facts.  Are you really okay with the fact that this tender morsel is digging on you mostly because you signify the means to some end for him? How much are you willing to spend to keep him around? Can you even afford to be a Sugar Daddy in the first place?  Keep in mind that the more busted you look and the hotter the Sugar Boy, the more financial strain this experience will put on you.  Before you sell your Aunt Bee’s jewels or mortgage your house to pay for your Sugar Boy’s new electric kick scooter, make damned sure this child got that crew-shul lovin’ (down to tha, down to tha bone!) (Warning: If most of your other Sugar Daddy friends meet this boy and tell you “that boy is poi-zunnnn”, steer clear.  There are plenty of fish in the sea, so keep on fishing.) 

Keep your romantic feelings under control like Janet.  The Good Lard knows that it’s easy to get all caught up in your feelings when the source of your affection got some piercing brown eyes and an irresistible set of supple, squeezable buttocks.  But don’t let your overblown sentiments of love get the best of you.  If you’re able to avoid getting swept away by amorous feelings that your Sugar Boy may not be able to—or willing to—return, you’ll save yourself many nights of crying bitter tears into your orthopaedic My Pillow.   




Know the difference between a Sugar Boy and a straight up hustler.  A Sugar Boy and a Sugar Daddy go together like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong.  A true relationship between two Sugars is reciprocal in nature:  the Daddy puts the Boy through DeVry Institute, and the Boy provides Daddy with a warm, wet and self-esteem-boosting place to deposit his slow-moving spermatoids. But a hustler comes into a relationship armed with a fistful of monkey wrenches all aimed squarely at Daddy’s plans for happiness.  A hustler is in it for himself and will use any tactic to divorce a Daddy from his assets.  Whereas a Sugar Boy is generally an organized planner who is in it for the mid- to long-term gains for both himself and his Daddy (but mostly himself, admittedly), a hustler is only out to wring Daddy dry and then jump unceremoniously onto the next passing wagon as soon as he’s gotten what he wants. For many Daddies, differentiating a potential Sugar Boy from a hustler is as difficult as me trying to tell Travis Barker and Machine Gun Kelly apart.  Doing so can be a hit-or-miss process for many Daddies that may result in some hurt feelings, crushed hearts and empty bank accounts, but it’s worth going through it in order to have gained some peace of mind when choosing who you’re gonna spend your golden years with.

Don’t be afraid to put three of four ‘Ronis on rotate.  Who says a Sugar Daddy can’t ride the merry-go-round of love, twirling them boys ‘round and ‘round and replacing one with a new one like an old-fashioned 5-CD changer? And no need to keep your dalliances a secret.  Drop hints and let all of them know that other, better looking yutes are also sliding into your DMs and other tight spots. This will help you keep your own feelings in check and also show them boys who’s boss!  Use this tactic on all five of your boys (you know, Jaden, Jayden, Jalen, Jaylen and Kaden) as to keep them guessing and vying for your attention.  And if one of them gets out of order, just pull that hoe out of rotation, return him to his CD cover, insert a different selection and let ‘er rip!

Conclusion

Don’t let society trick you into thinking that your 50s, 60s and 70s are the loneliest, most tragic stage of your life.  They are called the Golden Years for a reason: each year can be worth its weight in gold if you play your cards right.  (Now, if you messed around and didn’t save your pennies in your 20s and 30s or got fried when Sam Bankman-Fried ran off with your savings, that’s on you.).  These years can be more fun than a barrel of monkeys if you face certain realities and allow yourself to loosen up.  Here in Colombia, older gay men call the young men they date “collagens” because they inject them with youth, replacing their crusty and dead skin cells with new, vibrant ones.  And they have no shame in paying for these “collagen” injections because purchasing them a cute outfit from H&M or some Jordans from Foot Locker is much cheaper than visiting the plastic surgeon.  So, for all you daddies out there, stop fighting it and let that inner Sugar Daddy out.  Then sit back and watch as all those “collagen” injections pay for themselves in renewed energy and self-worth for you.  You’ll see that it’ll be worth it… 

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